Day 27:Sober November

My world has been a whirlwind of events, most good some not so good and that has kept me away from posting something.

November has been an enlightening month in all avenues of my life. Its been filled with introspection and i have gained a new perspective on the present. Being involved in the 31st movement with a large group of other amazing ladies has increased my faith, drawn me closer to God and given me hope (thats for another blog) and the unexpected turn of events in my family has brought us closer and strenthened our bond.


Back to the matter at hand; I was one focused diva and was certain I would easily sail through this challenge until my girls planned a weekend away. Now we all know what that means...lots of partying, travelling and fun. Anothing feels better than sipping on some mojito while watching the sun go down by the pool side.

So I decided to cheat, but this past weekend only as it was such a huge temptation to resist and too fun much fun not to join in.....

DAY 7:SOBER NOVEMBER

I feel like I should have done this a lot earlier really! It’s still early days and considering I might be doing this alone since I’ve already received a drunk dial from the Mr. I’m sure it will be a breeze.

I went out over the weekend and sat in a bar with my friends, who were all drinking, and I made some very hilarious observations. Everyone was bewildered by the fact that I wasn’t drinking and I had enough the offers to take a sip or just have one drink I was almost tempted until I realized this challenge was for me and not them.

I also watched with amusement how every round led to a change in conversation. People got happier and previous dry jokes became very funny; people looking for similarities on the writings of their different beverages and for some odd reason everyone’s eyelids seemed heavier!

In the end I had to act crazy to fit in, building pyramids with empties and pretending to be a bar lady (Lorraine the waitress!). A Sprite and Fanta pineapple later I began to feel the weight of all the humorless banter and decided to call it a night.

So the struggle continues but it’s worth every moment….

Sober November

It is with great pride (LOL) that I announce that I am a few hours away from “Sober November”. This technically means no intoxicating substances of any form for the next 30 days! Wow! I know I may sound a bit crazy but for some odd reason your mind and body crave that which you decide on not taking!

The main reason for me to embark on this 30 day challenge started with my boo having problems with drinking the strong stuff. But now I feel that I’d want to find happiness beyond the bottle and detox for a while. Its been a long time coming, and I’ve always felt the urge to find entertaining things to do besides going out for drinks or partying.

I do realize though that it will take a lot to keep me away from the fermented water but I don’t see this as a reason for me to stay holed up in the house and hibernate till the month is over but to go out and still have fun even though I’m sober. So I will keep you posted every week how the month is progressing… xxx

I will wait...

This was just too good i had to share... <3 <3 <3





I WILL WAIT
so it seemed, that it was cool, for everyone to be in a relationship but me..
So I took matters into my own hands… and ended up with him
Him who displayed the characteristics of a CHEATER, a LIAR, an ABUSER, & a THEIF
So.. why was I surprised when he broke into my heart?
I called 911, but I was cardiac arrested for aiding and abetting,
Cause it was ME who let him in…
Claiming we were “just friends”..
It was already decided for me by the first date, that even if he wasn’t!
I was gonna make him ‘The One’..
You know… I was tired of being alone,
And I simply made up in my mind, that it was about that time so I decided to drag him along
for the ride,
Cause I was always the bridesmaid & never the bride..
A virgin in the physical, but mentally just a grown woman on the corner in heat!
Who was tired of the wait!
So I was gonna make him ‘The One’.
He had a… form of Godliness… but not much..
But hey, hey I can change him! So (honey) I’ll TAKE him, I mean he’s close… enough
Ready to sell my aorta for a quarter, not knowing the value of its use to me
Arties so clogged with MY will, it blocked HIS Will from flowing through me
So, I thank Christ that His blood pressure gave this heart an attack,
That flatlined my obscured vision, put me flat on my back
Through my ignorance He sawed,
Through my sternum He sawed & cracked open my chest
TO transplant Psalm 51:10
A new heart & a renewed right spirit within!
So now I fully understand,
Better yet I thoroughly comprehend,
How much I NEED to wait… for You.
See, the bad thing is that I knew he wasn’t you from the beginning..
Cause in the beginning was the Word
And he didn’t even sound or shine like Your Son
Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks,
And all he could whisper was sweet, empty nothings –
Which meant NOTHING.
He couldn’t even pray when I NEEDED him to
Asking him to fast would be absurd!
So forget about being cleansed & washed with water through the Word…
But I know You.. ♥
You were already praying for me
Even never having met me
Let me assure you, I will wait for you.
I will no longer date, socialize or communicate with carbon copies of you
To appease my boredom or to quench my thirstiness I have for attention
And short-lived compliments from ‘sorta kindas’.
You know…. He ‘sort kinda’ right, but ‘sorta kinda’ wrong?
His first name LUKE,
His last name WARM.
I, I won’t settle for false companionship
I won’t lay in the embrace of his arms,
Attempting to find some closeness,
But never feeling so far apart cause, I just wanna be held
Cause ♫”all I gotta do is Say” No!
NO more ‘almost sessions’ of ‘almost coming close’
Passing winks & buying drinks,
I’ma, I’ma, I’ma flirt!♫
Who flirts with the ideology of,
‘Can you just tell me how much I can get away with & still be saved?’
NO more.
I’ll stay in my bed… alone, and write poems, about how I will wait for you
He won’t even come close,
Our fingers won’t even interlock
We won’t even exchange breath
Cause I have thoughts that I’ve ‘saved as’ in a file that God has only equipped you to open.
I will no longer get weighted down,
From so-called friends & family talks,
About the concern for my biological clock
When I serve the Author of Time.
Who is NOT subject to time,
But I’M subject to Him,
He has the ability to STOP, FAST FORWARD, PAUSE, or REWIND at any given time…
So if we could role play,
You would be Abraham & I would be Sara
Or you can be Isaac & I can be Rebecca – a servant’s answered prayer
I am bone of your bone, flesh of your flesh,
Made up of your rib Adam!
And once we meet, like electrons
I will be bound to your nucleus, completely indivisible atom.
We even speak the same math: 1 + 1 + 1 = 3, which really equals 1 if you add Him.
We were all created in His image,
But you have the ability to reflect, project & even detect the Son.
If I were to explain what you looked like,
You would have to look like a star,
A son of the Son..
I would gain energy simply from the light on me.
I would need you , in order to complete my photosynthesis
I await your revelation, but once again from the genesis, I will wait for you ♥
And I will know you… because when you speak I will be reminded of Solomon’s wisdom,
Your ability to lead will remind me of Moses,
Your faith will remind me of Abraham,
Your confidence in God’s Word will remind me of Daniel,
Your inspiration will remind me of Paul,
Your heart for God will remind me of David,
Your attention to detail will remind me of Noah,
Your integrity will remind me of Joseph,
And your ability to abandon your own will, will remind me of the disciples,
But Your ability to love selflessly & unconditionally will remind me of Christ.
But I won’t need to identify you by any special Matthews or any special Marks,
Cause His word will be tatted all over your heart.
And you will know me, and you will find me,
Where… the boldness of Esther meets the warm closeness of Ruth.
Where the hospitality of Lydia is aligned with the submission of Mary,
Which is engulfed in the tears of a praying Hanna.
I will be the one, drenched in Proverbs 31… waiting for you.
But to my Father, my Father who has known me before I was birthed into this earth
Only if you should see fit…
I desire Your will above mine,
So even if you call me to a life of singleness,
My heart is content with YOU – the One who was sent.
YOU are the greatest love story ever told,
The greatest story ever known
You are forever my judge & I’m forever Your witness
And I pray that I’m always found on a mission about my Father’s business
Oh, I will always be Yours!
And I will always wait for You Lord, more than the watchmen wait for the morning…
More than the watchmen wait for the morning… I WILL WAIT ♥

My friend

My friend, my sister, how I wish I could be there for you at this time of grieving. To hold your hand say nothing, to hug and reassure you that everything will get better with time…..

To help share the burden, to be there for you the same way you have always been there for me…..

To give you a shoulder to cry on and lighten your day...

But all I can do now is pray that God will encircle you in His loving arms and comfort and soothe your aching soul

Closure

Closure :  the act of closing; a bringing to an end; conclusion; a sense of psychological certainty or completeness...

I had been struggling over the past few months to deal with this simple yet emotionally encrypted word. How many of us fully understand the meaning of this word? How many of us have ever experienced this sense of psychological certainty? And why do we want closure anyway?

Being the overly emotional woman I am who always wears a brave face and as some of my friends would say “divalish” I have struggled with this phenomena in one aspect of my life-relationships. As with every relationship I’d vent to my girlfriends how much of an a%$#  my ex was and how i was better off without them, which ultimately led to Mr Rebound! Yes that one guy who is totally not the one but you just want someone who probably was funnier or smarter or richer than your ex; that breath of fresh air.

I however had an epiphany on what closure is. I never told anyone about it but I thought I’d help my sisters out now that I have it out of the way. I was in a long term relationship and from the beginning I literally fell in love, head first into this dark pit and I was sooo consumed and in sync with it I was naive enough to think it would last forever. Then I hit rock bottom and as I began to realise it may not have been as rosy but we could make it work. And when everything just crumbled my first emotion was panic! How do I move on? How do I love again? Then came rage and revenge. I thought if I could have him back I could hurt him the same way he hurt me. It worked for a while and my inner goddess took control of my mind until one day it hit me that I'm hurting myself. Not him but me. So I packed the lil that was left of me and hit the highway.

Now came the hardest part, how to deal with this? I realised I had so much bottled up inside that needed more than writing or blogging or crying or screaming. I wanted to deal with my feelings. So I approached the Mr and for the first time in our 3 years together let it all out. Not ranting and raving or bringing the house down but opening up and letting the other person know how I felt. And letting them know that i didn't want to feel the way I felt about them. By asking for forgiveness if the other person felt the same way about me....

Ladies if he cheated its not because you ain’t pretty enough, if you lied it was because you wanted to protect him. Don’t carry the guilt around, apologise if you have to. Forgive but do not forget and above all let it go. That to me is closure and i am happy to say that i don’t feel like i wasted 3 years of my life because i gained a lifetime experience......CLOSURE

My fwenzies

I'm just taking some time to thank the amazing women who surround me. I'm a really bad with communicating but I'm forever grateful for the words of encouragement i get.

lol :)

We've been through marriages, babies, the trauma and drama of relationships, the "good tyms" and bad. I'd never be where I am with out them. So i'm sending a BIG shout out to all the super awesome ladies in my life <3

Still i rise

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise. 

~Maya Angelou

To have or not to have.....

My connection with kids has always been natural. I absolutely love spending time with kids and can easily relate to them but I've been in a bit of a predicament of late, do i really want children??? Don't get me wrong i have absolutely no problem with kids and i believe they are the most fascinating and intriguing humans and i enjoy every minute spent with them, but is that a reason enough?

Mapunchu and I

I have been failing to answer that question in my life for a while. Why do people have children? I mean the world is overpopulated as it is and scientists have stated that the estimated amount of the worlds natural resources that the entire human race is using has exceeded the worlds renewable resources by 25%!

This just scared the light bulbs out of me, and it got me thinking why would i want to bring someone into a world that has no guarantee of being there in the future? From a biblical perspective the signs of the end times seem to be occurring from every corner and a special mention is Obama's Health Care Scheme and the RFID chip that will be implanted on the forehead or right arm of every individual in order to access free health care. But why will this chip be directly linked to ones bank's account? I wonder.... Another disturbing fact is that this chip has the possibility of being connected to ones motor nerves. An engineer, Dr Carl Sanders, highlighted the dangers of the implantation of these chips saying that they can easily modify a human being's behavior.

RFID chip

Lastly i think certain women use children to get what they want. Picture this; you are the 'other woman' in a relationship and you feel like your grip on this wealthy lad is loosening. So what do you do? Have a baby! That way you know that he will always be a part of your life and your kid for a very long time to come. Other women who have been unlucky in love and seem to have given up on the prospect of ever finding true love decide to transfer that love to another individual, a baby. While this may be commendable and can fill the void for a while such mothers will face a tough time letting go of their kids to enjoy a normal childhood.

With that in mind I could never bear the thought of giving life to someone i can never fully protect. This may sound selfish and egoistic but truth is i cannot stomach failure. i have been fortunate to be surrounded by kids and there is nothing as heart wrenching as not being able to protect or provide for a child and until i find more convincing reasons to be a mom, i think I'll steer clear from motherhood.....

The issue continues!

I really had an arduous time trying to get the guys to open up and tell me what exactly it is that they knowingly do in relationships and get away with it! I was given a million and one excuses ranging from "no comment" to "i don't want you to judge me because of my comment!"

So i decided to pack my bags and change my fishing spot and the catch was little better there. From what i gathered there are three main things that men knowingly and intentionally do in relationships/marriages and they 'think' they can get away with.....  

1. Finances

Men make a lot of  financial decisions without consulting their partners. Most squabbles arise from monetary decisions; the man feels that as the head of the house he can make decisions that, in certain circumstances have an adverse effect both parties. The reason why they do this??? I really don't know but from my research it seems that most men like to plan ahead way before anything materializes and thus make decisions without making any consultation....

2. Lies

Lies, intentionally false statements, are the order of the day in every relationship. From the petty white lies to the serious destructive lies, it seems to have become the norm to some people. I asked a bud of mine and he said that men lie, its like second nature. And when the missus eventually finds out it kills the trust in that relationship.

 3. Cheating

 Now this is the category where most men fall into. And all the reasons I got were so cliche: "All men cheat, its in our DNA" "Women lose the urge to dress up once they get married" "Variety is the spice of life".....and the list goes on. I honestly didn't buy any of those excuses and frankly speaking cheating does NOT come naturally. Every cheat has a motive, whether its a man or woman, its a sign that your relationship is lacking something and its up to you to make a conscious effort to re-ignite that flame!

Relationships and all things complex

 So i have been having an ongoing argument with a good friend of mine about manipulative tendencies that are common in most, if not all relationships. Its really been an interesting and frustrating dispute and i just had to share some of the crazy "theories' my friend, who I'll call Homer (yes as in Homer Simpson!lol)has.

Homer is of the opinion that women allow the men in their lives to get away with things all in the name of love and men have since realised this and use this against women. My argument however was every individual is different from the next so there is tons of  tolerance and compromise for any relationship to work. So we went back and forth for several days until we agreed to disagree on the topic. Feeling rather unsatisfied by the verdict i sat down and had a little honest reflection of all the past relationships i had and i was actually startled by the revelation i had on my own.
 
So my question now was to find out if other women actually did notice this or maybe i just being delusional and this is what i found....


My first port of call was to pose the question to Zuva, a fellow blogger and sister and this is what she had to say :-

"i think the biggest thing is that women are not honest from the beginning. we get scared to ask/ say what we really want. e.g. does this man ever want to get married in the future? does he want kids? what is really going on i.e. are we dating as in a relationship or are we just kicking it? and that sets up for a fall coz you're with this guy 6 years and he says but we were just friends with benefits or we were just hanging out and he "dumps" you and marries someone after 3 months etc we as women get scared to say what we want from the beginning and i think now men know this so this could make him feel like he has the upper hand, he knows you'll kiss him but u won't ask if you guys are dating coz you'll scare him away... i think now men have learnt this and know and use it against us..."

I had to totally agree with Zuva, i could see a scene in the movie Bridemaids play out. Women are complex, emotional creatures and we get lonely at times. And the sad reality is we have all been in situations where we know we are not supposed to in that situation or be with that person because they treat you like crap but we are also too scared of being alone we pretend not to see that we are being taken for a ride.

I just had to get a second opinion on the matter so i asked a close friend of mine, who i will call Vault (yep she has all my dirty secrets on lock and key)! She was of the idea that men lie and as a woman you can tell when your man is lying but you let it go. Like you know he is lying but its a lie that wont change the state of the world so you let it go. However every human being reaches their boiling point and gets to a point where they cannot take it anymore....

 There was a lot of truth in Vault's response; we all lie men and women alike and its only natural for one to be somewhat understanding when confronted with a similar situation but how much can one take??? I wonder...

So Ladies here's some food for thought and I'll be back to let you know what the fellas had to say  xoxo

French Kiss s'il vous plait?

See u there ;)

So its yet another Friday and im always who one to  look out for interesting parties and i just stumbled across this and i just had to share!

Congo Fever :)

So after the cancer awareness street collection i decided to do something fun and i found myself at Alliance Francaise at a cultural day for all the Congolese in Zimbabwe!

There was lots of good food and good music and the atmosphere was just electric. I have to admit the Congolese really do know how to have a good time!

Oh 20Life you are something else! I think i’ll start posting  upcoming events at Alliance coz thats really where the party at!

                                                       My charming french tutor

Cancer Awareness

I recently decided to get off my high horse and give back to the community that moulded me and to reach out to someone out there whom I may never meet but would definitely want to change their lives in one way or the other.

Through a group called “Her Majesty” (which I’ll blog about later) I decided to join a fundraising initiative for the Cancer Association of Zimbabwe through a street collection. To be honest I had my reservations as I had never participated in anything of this nature but since I had told myself this is 20Life I decided to take on the new challenge with the assurance that I was doing something that would help the next person.

                                                        Varie and a well wisher

It was quite an insightful time as most of the people who donated had lost a loved one to the dreadful disease. I had never realised that cancer has affected so many households in our country and I just hope as individuals we can do more to raise awareness of the symptoms of cancer in individuals and improve our health care system to allow and afford the majority of our population an opportunity to receive treatment in time.

All in all I must say I enjoyed every moment of it and I hope the few hours spent in the sun richly blessed someone who really needs it!

ATT: WOMEN!

My heart bleeds each time I talk to my friends and hear the story of their lives. But I’ve always asked myself what do we women do to deserve all this?

So I went on a young fact finding mission to really know the root of the problem. I really didn’t want to base everything on my experiences because that would be a very biased opinion but I must say I learnt a lot when I really dug deeper into this issue.

I will spare you all the gory details of what has happened to those close to me but I’d much rather talk about our insecurities and how they work or aide to our destruction and oppression by our counterparts.

      Women look for love for the wrong reasons. We try to search for our ultimate happiness in someone else but little do we realize that all we need is to love ourselves and be happy and confident with ourselves as we are. We need to realize that we are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalms 139:14) and we can never fully be happy with life until we are happy with ourselves. It all boils down to self worth; people will treat you in the same manner you treat yourself. Don’t ever expect that man to treat you like a queen unless you act like a princess!

      Women tend to overlook TOO many irregularities and by the time we realize that you cannot live with your mates behavior it’s usually too late. Ladies, a man will never wake up and just start bashing your head after being married to him for 1 year. It’s always the petty things like that shove when you are arguing or his overly controlling nature and the swearing. I would never tolerate a man who calls me a b*%#@ whatever the situation! We somehow seem to turn a blind eye to all the warning signs until the bell finally falls onto head and all you are left with are the scars from the aftermath.

      There are lots of needy women out there! (Yes ladies I just had to say this) It may not always be financially but even the constant nagging can be too much for anybody. Let me talk about the dollar bills first. We all need to realize that a man is supposed to your partner not your father. Most women always opt to look for the wealthy man who will take care of them and their children but the truth is something’s gotta give. You can never fully enjoy a relationship with someone who always seems to have the upper hand in everything. You can never stand up and voice your issues because you are scared you might lose your livelihood but the truth is you are losing your life. You have given up your life to drive a merc or stay in a mansion or to go shopping in New York.

      I’d also want to talk about the emotionally needy woman (most women are, myself included) who have pledged their lives to be central intelligence agents of their partners for the rest of their lives. They make it their business to know where their man is and what he’s doing, who he’s with, and where their going afterwards……..! Oh my gosh I assure you if they could they could they’d stick a bug up their man’s a%# and keep a tab on him 24/7. But I think the issue is not with the man himself but with trust itself. We no longer know the meaning of the word we have become a bunch of doubting Thomas’ we’d rather have him prove it than believe it. And truth is it does any relationship more harm than good. We waste most of out time worrying and fretting about whether our mate is faithful or not we don’t realize that our lives are passing us by focused on an individual rather than on you.

I think I’ll stop here for today, but I will continue to write about this complex issue. . . . . . . .

Motivation

So for a long time now I have been on a constant low….. Mainly due to good relations that went sour, job dissatisfaction, boredom, tons of indecision and all that jazz. But I’ve recently realized that there is only one me on this earth and I only have life, one chance to pursue the ultimate choice of happiness!

I know it’s a little late but I’ve decided to call this year 20Life. I want to put my life out there and see things I never seen, smell new and unique fragrances, eat, laugh and love like there’s no tomorrow.

I’m already excited about it before I’ve started but I pray it will all be worth the while     xoxo